Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
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Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad