Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING