Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.

3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.

Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.

*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

I am absolutely never leaving this website

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.