her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
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*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.