Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.