her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
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(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
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I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon