her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
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sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
