Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment