Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

can’t believe I got front row seats

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.