Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

Become ungovernable.

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

biblically accurate fire hydrant

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

My what?

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

[Home Depot]

Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher