Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
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[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
eggs benadryl
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like