Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.