Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

#FunnyLife Insects

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

I am all good here, 😂😉

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

I love the National Park Service.

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get