Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.