Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap