Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed