her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
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Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Plant care tips
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Shower sex be like:
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”