her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
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HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
huge if true: the moon
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.