her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
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Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Accurate
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO