Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

*opens fortune cookie*

“REDACTED”

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”