Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

There is no “ea” in Tim.

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

Pringles

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

This is so me 😂😂

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?