Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

Stop it! 😂

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

Has science gone too far?

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!