her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
You Might Also Like
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
who will stop them
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you