Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

🍛

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

SCARY COSTUME

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*