HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
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why am I working on Labor Day
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
this isn’t threatening at all
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
absolutely not
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
found a horse’s reddit account
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
oh u like history? name everything that happened