Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

Covid like

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

if a staircase can spiral so can i.