her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
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HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.