Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.