Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
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This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Personal question. #JustSaying
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef