Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
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MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
#dnd #ttrpg
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.