Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?

I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

Breaking news:

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀