Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

you stereotypes are all alike

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

pep talk

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

8: but grandma let me

Me: well my mom is cooler than yours