HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
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My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
😭😭
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”