Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

Basically.

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.