Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
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I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
This guy’s not having it 😆
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it