Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.