Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”