Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
You Might Also Like
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.