Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
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I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?