her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
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Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
excuse me
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
