her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
scared to check what name she chose
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle