Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
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me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.