Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

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Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.


“What protection do you use?”


“When you have Sex.”



a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin


Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?

Kids: WE DO! YAY!


She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.


Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Kid: Magic.


GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up


I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms