@KizerBillhelm
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
@rockymomax
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
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@KizerBillhelm
@noxxhell
“What protection do you use?”
“Protection?”
“When you have Sex.”
“Sex??”
@ThugRaccoons
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
@YuckyTom
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
@ForeverHairy
Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?
Kids: WE DO! YAY!
@JodingersCat
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
@UnFitz
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
@ArfMeasures
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
@urgeekisshowing
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
@Traceykemp8
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.