Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
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Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.