Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
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Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?