Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion