Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop