Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!

Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.