Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
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[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Lmao
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.