Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
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I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.