Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

Noted.

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

theres been a horrible success at the accident factory

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.