Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

one last job

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened