Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
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ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.