Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

This can never not be funny 😭😭

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

Breaking news:

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

🫶

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]