Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for