Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.