Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
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Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.