Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
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Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
a fate I wish upon no one
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
My brain is a bad influence on me