Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
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5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY