Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
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(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!