Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
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ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”