Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
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Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school