Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
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*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”