her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
My birthstone is kidney
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.