her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
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I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.