her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
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🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
Only short people can save us
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
it’s either covid or clever vampires
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.