HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
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wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Every photo I’m tagged in
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.