Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.