HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
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[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
#ProTip
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…