HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
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Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES