her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
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If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma