Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?

Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.