Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

turning my gender off to conserve energy

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?