Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

😂 amazing answer

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.