her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
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KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
screw you
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.