Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

Cat or sheep

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup